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The Stand-Up Sitdown Topic of the Week - Confrontation
By mathurst, 15-Nov-2011 20:45:00
The Standup Sitdown is a radio show on Hammersmith-based Onfm. It is funny, so I am getting involved. Each week they interview comedians around a table and discuss, amongst other things, the topic of the week. This week's topic is Confrontation in its many forms, so here are my thoughts on the subject:
One of my oldest memories of confrontation was when I was about 8. It was the same day that I learnt about criminal investigation. I was at a birthday party and there were maybe 6 of us. We were playing some game or other and I squeaked out a silent fart. It smelt pretty rancid and filled the room quickly. Even at that age I knew whoever smelt it dealt it, so I kept quiet until the first cries of uproar had filled the room. Then I waded in, blaming whomever had piped up first. 6 way confrontation ensued. It was intense and just when I thought I was out of the woods, someone uttered the immortal words: "Let's check"... Criminal investigation ensued. Bum sniffing is the DNA evidence of fart conviction and I was quickly found guilty. Everyone scarpered and I was left alone. Confrontation - Investigation - Evacuation - Isolation. An early lesson - confrontation is better if you are in the right.
Classic lines of confrontation:
“Come on then.”
"What are you looking at?"
“Who was she?”
"What's the matter? You chicken?"
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(It's good...)
Suitcase Time
My brain is full. A stark realisation, but I am 83% certain that it is true. I am able to learn new things, but it means that they are replacing things that I knew before. I cannot buy more memory, for I am not a computer, so I have decided to write down my thoughts in an effort to maintain them, as well as take on new knowledge. I will dub this enterprising endeavour "Suitcase time."
I don't know this guy, but he makes my blog look official
Get in touch
If you are moved by the poetry that I am writing, feel free to contact me:
mathurst@mail.com
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Comments
...or she wants something?
Thanks Rachel. You are obviously very clever.
Love it, love it, love it. Suitcase time has become my motivation to get out of bed every morning. GENIUS!
Love it, love it, love it. Suitcase time has become my motivation to get out of bed every morning. GENIUS!
You luckily have a few years before the mortifying day when someone offers you their seat because you're SO OLD. That's not fun either and leaves you wondering whether it's worth being recognised as decrepit just to have a seat for 2 underground stations.
I am working on the payment situation. If you buy one I will hand deliver it, post-it note and all. I will also take BOGOF into consideration for members. It will only be available in the secret area... I've already said too much.
I'd buy one of your artworks if
a) you did BOGOF
b) the 'add to basket' button worked
In the meantime I'll have a rummage under your old bed to see what moneyspinners you left behind. Well done for not adding on P&P.
What does it all mean...Can Suitcase Time answer the fundamental questions of philosophy, religion and effective U-bend solutions?
Woody Allen once said "Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends".
Taking this to be a profound insight into the human condition I did, eventually, get a plumber in over the weekend - but still, after the bankruptcy hearings were finally at an end, spiritual enlightenment remained elusive.
Your blog "Suitcase Time", however, has proved to be far more powerful in addressing the big existential questions about life, the universe and plumbing. After reading it for the first time, I smashed the aforementioned plumber in face with a steel chair and this immediately opened up to me a new world of peace and enlightenment. No doubt this was your intention all along, so I wanted to send you a personal message of thanks and appreciation, along with this invoice for £4,712 care of Pimlico Plumbers.
I look forward, with a deep and strange yearning, to further profound and uplifting content in the next instalment – and if eliminating limescale from those awkward showerhead nozzles can be mentioned then we will be holding true to the deepest principles of the Dalia Lama, who says ‘I may be a smiley bald man in a bright-orange dress – but I am buggered if I am going to put up with shoddy showering facilities.’