By mathurst, 26-Mar-2012 20:15:00
Davina is possibly the nicest lady on TV. She is definitely the most annoying. She is like the nation's embarassing mum with the volume switched right up.
As she effortlessly switches from partonising talented children to flirting with men many years her junior, audiences around the country embark on a simultaneous, sub-conscious, white-knuckled fist clench. Digging their nails deep into their palms, their brains desperately try and alert them to the danger that listening to this mumsy, foghorn banshee places them in.
Along with the other unfathomably perma-employed reality TV types, Davina seems to be screeming at us the entire year round. When is someone going to put her into the Big Brother house with Amanda Holden, Louis Walsh, Alexandra Burke, Tyra Banks and that Irish guy from the BBC's new talent show and tell them that they are on a no-eviction, round-the-clock reality show. Then put enough food for one person in there. And weapons.
Welcome to the ratings chase Reality Celebrity Irritation Deathslap.
By mathurst, 29-Dec-2011 20:45:00
All the trimmings? There are a lot of trimmings, you know. So my top 5 trimmings are as follows:
Roast potatoes - First on the list for any roast dinner. Crunchy on the outside and soft on the inside, rated by most as the most up-market and stylish of potato variants.
Pigs in blankets - Meat wrapped in meat. What an amazing, amazing piece of culinary brilliance.
Pork, sage and onion stuffing - compliments the other pig-based trimmings nicely, but still has time for veg and herbs. Classy.
Gravy - Moisture. Turkey is mostly dry and gravy is wet. A match made in heaven.
Boiled Cabbage - Simplicity is the key to quality vegetables. You don't need slow roasted, honey-glazed, lightly salted panache of yam. Just bung cabbage in a pot of water and let it crack on. Not too soft though.
I know what is happening right now. You are disagreeing. Putting to the side that you are wrong, I will address the obvious bones of contention.
The first being Brussels sprouts. They aren't actually that nice, they are just traditional. I don't mind them, but if I was stuck on a desert island for the rest of my life with one set of roast turkey with all the trimmings, sprouts would not make the grade.
The Second being Gravy. Is it a trimming or a right? It is a trimming. I work in market research and did an extensive study into this and people all agree that it is a trimming. Think about it. It is.
That is all.
By mathurst, 21-Dec-2011 20:45:00
Darwin loved evolution. This is an actual fact. If you have read his book 'The Origin of Species' you will know this. I assume. I haven't read it, but scholarly types raved about it back in Victorian days and frankly how much has really changed since 1859? In evolutionary terms, very little, and that is my real problem with the whole debacle.
I just did a Google search on Darwin and yielded over 150 million results in 0.27 seconds. If I want to sprout wings and fly I have to wait 150 million years and I just don't have that kind of time on my hands. We live in a lightning age of digital impatience and evolution just isn't stepping up to the plate. So here are a few of my natural selection gripes:
The whole primate / opposable thumbs / intelligence business.
Now I realise that I got the sweet end of the deal by being human rather than a faeces throwing, parasite eating spider monkey, but have you seen those little punks swinging about in trees? If I am evolving then I want a piece of that action too. What's the point in having a giant brain and walking upright if I can't beat a spider monkey in a simple tree-top race? Also Gorillas. I can beat them in a game of chess, but they can pull my arms off. Why pass up on all that strength just because I can make a lever or drive to Sheffield? Now this is the real kicker - Chimpanzees are supposed to be the most advanced of the monkeys and the most like us, but they aren't as clever as humans, strong as gorillas or agile as spider monkeys, so those guys have nothing that I want.and have a legitimate grievance with evolution.
Grow a shell you idiots.
Haven't evolved for millions of years. Utter arrogance.
I have touched on this a couple of times before, but I hate them. Design-wise they are pretty advanced and have worked evolution well, but instead of continually adding legs and eyes and posion and sticky webs, they should have invested in some PR, or evolved the head of a kitten.
Also too many legs and yet can't even walk forwards. Or swim. Crabs wish they were lobsters.
Learn to breath under water, or get out and start growing legs. Millions of years they have been in the oceans and they are still coming up for air. The fish are all just laughing at them. My best guess is that they spent so long getting massive that they totally forgot about the important day to day stuff. If I was a plankton I would totally just live further down than whales can get in a single breath. By about a meter. Then I would moon them. Seriously, get some gills.
Are there even any hamsters still in the wild? They smell and they bite and they are absolutely no use to anyone. Evolution should have taken care of these little brigands a long ago.
So for Christmas I would like evolution to crank it up a notch and join the digital age. I would like strength, agility and flight please.
By mathurst, 20-Dec-2011 20:45:00
Has anybody noticed that it is nearly Christmas? Of course you have. Advertisers have really gone to town this year. With financial doom all around us, everyone is really ramping up their efforts to make Johnny Public part with his rent money to buy useless inane crap for his family.
Apple have been my favourite so far. They sent me an email saying 'Buy the perfect present for your loved ones' and when I opened the email, I was greeted by the world's shiniest and thinnest and lightest and most powerful laptop computer that I could procure for the bargain price of £2,500. Alas, my family will have to settle for less than perfect this year. Apple also totally duped me with the build up to their massive 'One Day Only' sale not so long ago. I was all pumped up to get 50% off an iPad 2 that I don't need, such was the fanfare leading up to the big day. What a crock though. The mighty Apple empire was practically giving away its products with... wait for it... £20 off! £20 off a £25 computer game is an amazing sale. £20 off a one trillion pound iPad is not. Stop wasting my time with your fabulous and desirable products that I cannot afford.
On the positive side, Argos have paved the way for recession time advertising and held their ground as the nation's number one low-rent, no-frills, happiness vacuum of a retail outlet. Confused sock-puppet aliens wander around in amazement, trying to fathom out how such an advanced race has managed to spawn such a God-awful shopping experience.
In other news, Made in Chelsea is making a Christmas special appearance, so I am bracing myself for the torrent of hatred that will course through my veins when I inevitably watch it. For those that are waiting for an update on Tyra watch (my ongoing analysis of Tyra Banks) I am in the research phase at the moment, but early signs are not favourable for the 'plus size' model / actress / doctor / olympic gold medalist / serial narcissist.
Not wishing to finish on a negative note, here are some things I like about Christmas:
1.) Mince Pies
3.) Time off work
4.) Christmas Dinner
In case I don't write again beforehand, I hope you all have a smashing Christmas and New Year. Drink and make merry.
By mathurst, 13-Dec-2011 08:45:00
Does anybody remember that advert from 1990?
How about now?
By mathurst, 11-Dec-2011 20:45:00
At least nobody that I know. I suspect that worldwide there have been several tens of thousands of deaths and births since last I wrote, but the point I am making is that I have returned after a bit of a sabbatical. Truthfully, after the exhaustion of hating the loathsome individuals on Made in Chelsea, I ran out of stimulation.
In spite of my efforts to live a life of Zen and positivity, the truth is that I seem to be at my most creative when I am ranting about something or someone that really grinds my gears. So after scouring the world of broadcasting and various other media, I have decided that I should invest some time into studying Tyra Banks.
Now I know that there will be the odd sceptic that is thinking "Huh, a supermodel. What a dull and obvious choice for a straight man", but it turns out that Tyra is amazing at everything. At least she seems fairly certain that this is the case. My wife is a super fan of Tyra's TV show 'America's Next Top Model' and I have, over the period of some sixty odd series (or cycles as Tyra likes to call them), witnessed some exceptional delusion about the importance of models and fashion in general.
So I shall begin my research forthwith and will try to intersperse it with more life-affirming and upbeat musings, although I can't make any promises. Watch this space.
By mathurst, 22-Nov-2011 08:45:00
So it is down to Jamie, Olliie, Mark, Spencer and Hugo. All awful, but now in a showdown to win the crown of most hatefully and sinfully detestable posh muppet.
All other characters are mere supporting cast today. Each of the finalists will be measured on their own lack of merit and it will be happening live. So with no further ado, let the judgement begin:
Jamie had sex with someone called Gabriella and pretends to be coy about it. Hugo looks like a posh rat again. Spencer gormlessly mouth-breathes as he tries to think of a way to make it about himself. All three off to a flier.
Mark storms into the lead by sending the most pretentious invitations ever conceived, to his party, via chauffeur driven Rolls Royce. Not even on screen yet and making a sprint for the finish.
Hugo and Spencer at a bar. Most boring scene in television history.
Jamie meets a different girl, presumably his girlfriend, at the station and she knows about the recent conquest. He has exactly zero charm and I can't see that there is any chance of him talking his way out of this one. Good.
Mark is looking at suits of armour for his 20s themed party. What a retard. He follows it up with a recsession busting: "We're having a party. If we don't spend loads of money then what's the point?" He is so freaking posh that his face begins to melt into gold bullion. Currently way out in the lead.
Jamie takes second place as he continues to try and talk his way out of the sex he clearly had with another girl. He tries this one: "I think this whole Gabriella thing we just forget about now. We just move on." What girl could resist such poetic remorse?
Hugo and Spencer still in the bar. Still boring. Disappointing performance from both, although Hugo edges into third on account of his smugness. Ollie hasn't even made an appearance yet.
Speak of the Devil - Enter Ollie. Pointy shoes, Confused looking. Stupid hair. Just awful. Straight into third. Still pretending that he is writing a book. Seems to be imlying that he used to have sex with Gabriella. Surely he is gay though?
Spencer is involved in another painfully boring scene in a bar, this time with a girl. Trying to make things about himself again, but just being boring. Firmly in last place. A very disappointing showing from one of the early favourites.
Hugo and Spencer turn up to the party in a Ferrari and high five each other before getting out of the car. Much better. I start to feel the burning hatred for both once again.
Ollie and Jamie talk about Gabriella in an awkward moment. Maybe Ollie is straight after all. Mark is sliding about on his own grease, overjoyed at how ellaborate his party is, occasionally saying "Ya" and mumbling a series of words into one deep smug posh syllable. Jamie talks to Gabriella and it is like having your teeth twisted out slowly by pair of rusty pliers.
Hugo thinks he is James Bond. He isn't. He is a big posh rat.
Once again, Spencer and bloody Caggie are talking about their non-relationship. That really is all he has to offer.
The series ends with some kind of dramatic girlie nonsense and some fireworks. So I have a winner. In reverse order:
5th - Ollie. Ridiculous, but a disappointing showing at the close.
4th - Spencer. Boring, but still annoying.
3rd - Hugo. A giant posh rodent with no likeability whatsoever
2nd - Jamie. A ghastly human being, but toned it down a bit too much in the final.
1st - Mark. Just unfathomably posh and with the most insane lack of appreciation for the value of money. Harry Enfield invented him many years ago and just released him into the wild. Of all the hateful over-privileged morons on this god-awful piece of broadcasting, he is the most detestably un-redeemable.
I can now move on with my life.
By mathurst, 15-Nov-2011 20:45:00
The Standup Sitdown is a radio show on Hammersmith-based Onfm. It is funny, so I am getting involved. Each week they interview comedians around a table and discuss, amongst other things, the topic of the week. This week's topic is Confrontation in its many forms, so here are my thoughts on the subject:
One of my oldest memories of confrontation was when I was about 8. It was the same day that I learnt about criminal investigation. I was at a birthday party and there were maybe 6 of us. We were playing some game or other and I squeaked out a silent fart. It smelt pretty rancid and filled the room quickly. Even at that age I knew whoever smelt it dealt it, so I kept quiet until the first cries of uproar had filled the room. Then I waded in, blaming whomever had piped up first. 6 way confrontation ensued. It was intense and just when I thought I was out of the woods, someone uttered the immortal words: "Let's check"... Criminal investigation ensued. Bum sniffing is the DNA evidence of fart conviction and I was quickly found guilty. Everyone scarpered and I was left alone. Confrontation - Investigation - Evacuation - Isolation. An early lesson - confrontation is better if you are in the right.
Classic lines of confrontation:
“Come on then.”
"What are you looking at?"
“Who was she?”
"What's the matter? You chicken?"
By mathurst, 15-Nov-2011 08:45:00
The babbling posh nonsense continues. This week I will begin the process of whittling down the individuals to my 5 most hated. It will be hard as they are all so ghastly, but I feel it is my duty to file these useless narcissitic dimwits in order of loathsome toffery.
Straight off the bat, Spencer is still talking about his non-relationship with Caggie to rat-faced Hugo who, to his credit, tries to pretend he gives a crap. Spencer actually pulls this line out of the bag: "What she did - It's almost like, SHE has caused wound on me and SHE is pouring salt on it." Bravo Spencer. Definitely in my bottom 5.
Alice and Millie talk crap. Just annoying but not enough to make the list. Thomas arrives on the scene. French posh. I think the girls are going to mostly miss the list as they are just posh versions of normal girls, gossiping about boys. I still hate them, but not with the same venom.
Ollie canters on looking like some kind of skeletal posh horse that has learnt to walk upright. He opens his mouth and instantly makes the list. The girls dress him like a Barbie and he looks confused. He is as stupid as he is ridiculous-looking. He still thinks he is writing a book.
Francis - Claims to be a virgin. Believable.
Mark arrives and is so posh he almost swallows his phone. Definitely on the list.
Gabilicious enters. Binky becomes a normal name by comparison and the world is in turmoil.
Jamie is instantly on the list. He cannot say anything that doesn't make me want to stab him. Pours booze into his tea at a pensioners tea party. He is just awful.
Proudlock? Also not a name.
So this is the final list.
Next week I will select a winner / loser and take a contract out on their life. It is all to play for.
By mathurst, 14-Nov-2011 08:45:00
So I have been a bit quiet this week. Sorry - I know how this must have affected everyone. I have been working on the theme music that spawned the now well-known expression, suitcase time. With a few bells and whistles that I found lying around, this is what was happening in my head that fateful morning.
(Click play on the play button next to the logo at the top of the page)
There are also some new words in the word horde.
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